This post is something I wrote while in prison.  I found it recently and thought that I would put it out there.

 

I sit in the sun; sweltering heat is not uninvited.  One thing that I have learned while here in my time in prison is how to make do and just be.  Thus, here I sit in a strange spectator state, relaxing the edges of my consciousness so as to extend the same’s roots.

 

They play handball.  One is without a shirt; the other is a homosexual.  The homosexual is effeminate only in voice and somewhat in facial expression.  I have a feeling that he does not receive… if you know what I mean.  Perhaps that is an observation; perhaps it is a judgment.  Who is to say?

 

Enlightenment is something no one can truly attain in this lifetime.  If they did, they would cease to be.  Nirvana means extinction.  Is that what happened to Buddha when he reached it?  Did he reach it?

 

The ball from the handball game just bounced into my lap.  Did it do that to enlighten my awareness, bring glory to God through my cordial reaction to those concerned?

 

I recognize several people who have left and come back since I have been locked up.  Does this place have a reach into the community, grasping people and bringing them back after they leave?  I would guess so, but we are all on paths towards a higher truth, evolving as we go, each stop on our journey just as important as our last, perhaps more so.  This is a principle in my religious soul philosophy:  Whatever happens, happens for a reason.  We all get what we need.  It is just that we don’t know what is best in the grand scheme of the universe – for us and for everybody else…

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

P.S.  If you like my writing or my philosophical style, you can find more of it at jasontapscott.com or by searching for Jason Tapscott on Amazon.com.  I have almost completed the much anticipated sequel to my first novella.  Check it out!  It is only 99 cents to download!

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The Elephant

Closed-ended questions kill

Open-ended questions heal

Your life can be saved if you

believe it eternal

That belief, though, is, no doubt, somewhat banal

In fact, it is self-serving and fatal

So, pursue perfection anyway

but realize that you are

doing away with the very self.

 

Ego transcendence leads to a person

achieving acceptance of their

personal dents.

 

That battle can trip up the best

proselytizer

because it puts pressure on

their own inner life…

Instead

 

Of others you might say screw them

unless it leads to personal

benefit…

 

But remember – you in the room are

the ultimate elephant.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

 

P.S. if you like my posts you will love my book which you can buy on amazon or my website jasontapscott.com.  Check it out!  The sequel is coming soon!

Ego Tripping and Livability

Suffering comes from rules and restrictions on the civilizing mind.  Often, we mistakenly blame suffering on the state of the world around us or other unfortunate, difficult people; however, the reality is that we are nearly in complete control of whether we suffer or not, or what shape our suffering takes.  Other people technically, logically are incapable of actually hurting us.  We hold the key to our own suffering or whether people can touch us in a painful way.  Likewise, we decide whether people around us can make us happy or not.  There is a space of some size between someone’s hurtful or pleasing action and the pain or pleasure that we decide has happened to us.  We need to harness that space and live therein without becoming emotionally catatonic.  Perhaps that is why we don’t harness it – out of fear of becoming less than human; human being equated with emotion and the use thereof to make sense of the people around us.  Anyway, try to awaken to reality as it is rather than joyful or painful, which are attributions we make with our consciousnesses and minds.  Actually, really that possibility is mostly beyond us, but we must make a conscious and conscientious effort to that end.  Reality perceived is our reaction to that reality.  It is impossible to touch reality beyond ourselves.  Everything gets filtered through the self and its tendrils.  In fact, that is how the mind works; our emotional reality, our pain or our joy, is incumbent upon how we view that reality and how it affects our perception of our very survival.  Thus, to get back to my original point, rules and restrictions and how we perceive them in relation to our freedom to feel is why we perceive that we suffer; however, it is not the suffering itself, which continues to be completely malleable if we get out of our own ego tripping way.  Freedom allows and leads to happiness (apart from the pleasure I mentioned earlier because true happiness is internal and integral and cannot be moved against) and it also leads to self-control which hinders the negative (or positive) effect that stress has on us.  So when our freedom and self-control are inhibited, we feel threatened.  It feels so real like our survival itself is threatened.  Thus, society and other people and their demands inherently threaten us and what the ego perceives socially as survival.  Life and happiness in life makes the little, unavoidable, natural sufferings of life more bearable.  If our happiness is threatened, then life’s livability is threatened and so the ego takes that as a death threat because if life is not worth living, then why live it.  That is the ego’s logic.  We cannot change society except by changing our reactions to each other.  We must take responsibility for our own lives and their sustained livability.  To do that, we must harness an emotional decision-making process in the space before we decide what our reality is.  That, my friends, is God-given power to make reality whatever we want, heaven or hell.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

P.S.  If you like this type of writing, and I know you do, check out some of my fiction at jasontapscott.com or search amazon for Jason Tapscott.  You will not be disappointed.

 

 

Survival of the Species

If you are a thirsty white man in the desert and you are obviously dying of that thirst and a black man comes to you with good, cool, clean, fresh water cupped in his black palms, you cannot tell me that you won’t drink because of the “contaminated” color of his skin.  That is a ridiculous claim.  The meaning behind the fact that you would most definitely drink deeply from his “unclean” hands is obvious – society needs to get real and change its ways.  Survival of the human race depends on acceptance of our natural differences and cooperation no matter what you look like, what the color of your skin is, or what you believe.  Survival of the species needs to come first.  Humanity is not a set color of skin and the diversity inherent in humanity is a good thing and allows for more creative solutions to potential shared problems.  We divide ourselves for tribal survival reasons due to our inflated egos and our fear of the “other”.  That needs to change.  Survival like the example in the desert that I gave at the start of this post – that kind of derived wisdom, I hope, can rise to the top and rise to the challenge and create a very real place in the mindset of mankind of acceptance.  Hopefully, it can change the way we look at each other’s differences and creates new relationships despite them.  Intergroup relationships have been proven to improve with exposure to other cultures.  In those situations, we tend to find shared humanity and can even call our neighbor, who undoubtedly is different, our brother because he is vital to our shared survival as a human race.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

 

P.S. Buy my book on jasontapscott.com or amazon.com.  It is a series of novellas that happens to be a crime drama.  It was created based on my personal time spent in mental hospitals and prisons.  Please support me and validate my education of my past.  You will learn something too or at least be entertained.  Thanks!

Almighty

I remember one time fairly recently when I was very depressed.  I was so depressed, in fact, that I was thinking very specific suicidal thoughts.  Yes, I had a plan then.  I was toying, at the time, with the notion of running out into traffic.  I was living just off of a major thoroughfare.  Anyway, that was how I was thinking of ending it all.  I was thinking all of these depressed thoughts and mulling them over and over again, feeling a sick sense of satisfaction as I was considering how nice it would be to die.  Anyway, I was wandering around the house and I happened into the TV room.  A movie happened to be on.  It was Bruce Almighty and it was halfway through.  It was on the scene wherein Jim Carey’s character, Bruce, who is currently playing God in the movie, cries out to God and it’s raining, very dreary, and he’s crying… and he gets hit by a tractor trailer as he is kneeling, bawling his eyes out in the middle of a highway.  The irony was not lost on me in the least.  You can call it a good bit of cosmic chance or luck but when I saw that movie on, on that particular scene, I immediately realized that God was trying to reach me and that He cared.  Some people will tell you that is a symptom of mental illness, and they would be right; however, whether I am “crazy” or not does not discount that I felt a connection, that God was reaching out to me in that moment of my deepest despair.  Thus, I came out of that state of depression for that time being (I have struggled with recurring depression for a long time).  I will always be a little off and “sick” in the head but that does not discount the fact that God loves me, and you, and everyone no matter how they feel or what they have done.  It also does not discount my or your or anyone’s ability to connect with Him (or Her; let’s be fair) and adjust a potentially harmful mindset so that we can deal better in this, God’s, reality.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

 

P.S.  If you like my blog, check out my book at jasontapscott.com.

E-Book

Hi, all!  Awhile back I mentioned an e-book in a review.  I would like to now clarify that the book that I plugged was one I had written myself.  The book is called Glockette; that is the name of the gun that the main character uses to hunt bounties.  It is the first in a series.  You can find it at jasontapscott.com and on Amazon.  Yes, my real name is Jason W. Tapscott and I am a published author.  Please check out the book; I guarantee you will like it and want more, which is good because I am at the moment working on the sequel.  🙂

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

Smooshing the burger

I would like the reader to know a couple of things.  First, I graduated from college finally with a degree in psychology; so, now I am looking for a job.  It would be my first real job outside of sales and fast food and warehouses.  Second, I am living with a mental health condition; I am a person living specifically with schizoaffective disorder.  I will describe it this way –

Think of a burger.  It can be a cheeseburger with bacon, whatever you want…  This burger is analogous to my brain, and to my mind, to some extent.  Stress happens to my brain and my mind and this is like smooshing that burger.  When you smoosh a burger, perhaps so you will have an easier time eating it, stuff can fall out, become rearranged, or whatever.  Stress makes stuff seep out of the burger.  That stuff is still technically part of the burger, but now it is outside.  This can be similar to hallucinations.  Enough stress and parts of the mind seep out and break off taking on lives of their own.  That is what happens to me and others with mental health conditions.  For whatever reason, burger/mind stuff has seeped out and taken on lives of their own.  The stuff that seeps out is still part of the mind, but it no longer plays a vital role.  Instead, it tries to reconnect hopelessly with the mainland of said burger/mind.  When it does this, it takes the form of whatever symptomology the person with the mental health condition presents with, be it hallucinations, delusions, anxiety, depression; it is all stress-related and the mind trying to cope and make sense of the stress and the fact that, to the person afflicted, their reality has been rearranged.  I hope that made some sense and helps someone deal with their problems or the people’s problems that they happen to love.  Thanks for listening to my rant and thanks for congratulating me (I know you are) on graduating!  I will now commence looking for a job like any other sane person.  I am extremely glad and proud to have that problem.  Have a great day and maybe next time you order a burger, you will think to not be so stressful with yourself or someone else…

 

~jimbo

God’s neurons

What if each of us are a single neuron in the brain of God and each of our neurons in our brains correspond to a person in a smaller dimension that we are gods over.  What if we had an entire world/creation within our own brains.  What if that process occurred over and over eternally and without end.  Thus, God would be totally unaware of each of us individually (after all, we are each one neuron); and we form the construct of His Great Consciousness when you put all of us as neurons together.  I say that He would not be aware of each of our unique individualities any more than we are consciously aware of our own neurons; and yet they get together to form some illusion called consciousness.  And, like I said, we are gods over the world within our heads…  I just blew my own mind…