Heaven has a bird’s eye view – a poem

Life ends, but God does not

therefore, there has to be a heaven.

Stipends and money run out, but

the economy continues.

Con artists will also continue to

run scams.

And Christians will continue to love

endlessly even in light or

dark of death.

It’s a stark contrast which

has no center.

There is no overall overlying overarching

organization.

Not to man anyway.

But to God, who has a bird’s eye

view, anything is possible

even continuing continuity…

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott, author of the Committed Series which can be found at jasontapscott.com or amazon.com.  The second installment of this great series should be available very soon, probably before Christmas…

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A Word on Recovery

The following is a speech that I have not have the luxury of giving just yet but I feel like it needs to be heard so I am posting it here:

 

My name is Jason W. Tapscott.  I am a self-published author and a CPS (Certified Peer Specialist).  The series of novellas that I am currently writing is a transformation of sorts of negative times in mental hospitals and prison.  I take those times and process them by fictionalizing them so that I turn a bad thing into a good thing; and if profit comes from it, so be it.  If it does not, the writing process is still therapeutic.  If you are curious and want to check out my writing, go to jasontapscott.com or amazon.com and search for my name.  I carry around business cards with that information too so if you run into me in reality…

 

I am a CPS.  I work at RHD (Resources for Human Development) at a center called United Peers on Ridge and Midvale in Philadelphia.  It is at the end of the K bus route.  I started in August so I am still a little “green.”  Anyway, I will describe my work there with the following illustration:

 

There is a hole in the middle of the street.  I don’t see it; I fall in.  Eventually, I am strong enough to crawl out.  That process strengthens me.  Next time that I walk down that same street, I see the hole, but am unable to stop myself from falling in.  Eventually, I am strong enough to crawl out.  That process strengthens me.  Next time that I walk down the same street, I see the hole, and am able to avoid it.  Next time that I walk down that same street, I see the hole and I am aware enough to see people struggling to crawl out.  I jump in the hole to help others climb out.  Once I relay to them about the hole on that street and about the way to avoid it, then I have done my job.  That is my role as a CPS.

 

Let me go back to the beginning.  I experienced sexual trauma at 4 years of age at the hand of a baby-sitter.  I remember nothing about it because I was so young, but I know it happened because of the emotional scars that I was left with.  I was in therapy all through growing up afterwards.  When I hit puberty, I started to have some real problems.  I blamed my parents for the abuse that I had endured as a child.  I punished them constantly with angry rebellion.  It got to the point that I felt homicidal towards them.  When I became aware of that extreme level of anger, I drove myself to the hospital and committed myself for the first time.  Everyone praised me for my foresight and for getting help voluntarily, but I felt horrible.  This happened in my senior year of high school, I believe.  I was also skipping class regularly but managed to graduate.  Even though I skipped a bunch of class that I was allowed to make up, I still graduated with a 4.05 GPA, which was 25th in a class of 500.  So, having graduated, I went to college at the University of Pittsburgh to study neuroscience.  I made (and lost) some great friends there but eventually mental illness got ahold of my mind and I withdrew from the university to return home and live with my parents.  Over the next couple of year, I was in and out of therapy, homes, the hospital, other colleges, and finally prison.  As a side note, during this time, I was able to obtain an Associate’s degree from a community college.  At some point, I attacked my mother and went to prison for a week.  My parents felt terrible and hired a good lawyer and I was set free.  I cried 24/7 for that week.  The feeling upon getting out was one of the greatest feelings I probably will ever have.

 

The next time I went to prison was 2008.  For awhile, I was living out of my car.  I started hearing voices, and they told me that an old friend of mine, from my time years before as a student of West Chester University, would let me live in her apartment with her.  I walked right into her apartment one afternoon without even knocking.  A couple of days later I was arrested for criminal trespassing.  I spent three months in the mental ward of the prison in solitary confinement having hallucinations, delusions, and little in touch with reality.

 

Eventually, a psychiatrist at the prison moved me to Norristown State Hospital where I spent 3 or 4 years.  Eventually I was charged with stalking and I was let out of the hospital.  A case manager helped me find a place in Germantown to live, another home.  I was very angry and rude to the staff at the home.  I got fed up.  My thinking was that, I knew how smart I was, why was I in a home?  It was proud thinking.  I grew impatient and one day in July of 2014, I set a shower curtain on fire.  I let it burn for a little while, watching the satisfying orange glow from the next room.  Then it dawned on me what I was doing.  I sprinted downstairs to alert staff.  They threw a small bowl of water on the fire and it went out.  I was arrested.  I spent a year in prison until July of 2015.  During my prison stay, I made a lot of friends and really started contemplating the direction my life had taken.  The community that existed in the prison gave my life meaning.  When I got out, I lived in a different house in Germantown, but I was unhappy and tried to kill myself.  Again, I found community in the hospital and started to realize that was what I needed to get well.  So, in January of 2016, I moved into a home in Oak Lane but this time it was voluntary and with purpose.  There, in that home, in that community, I thrived.  I had hard times there too, but I count January of 2016 as the beginning of my personal recovery process.  In that home, I found a community; I started writing my novellas; and I went to school online.  In February of 2017, I was offered a housing voucher because I was doing so well.  I moved into my own apartment, adopted a cat, and finished school with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology this past June.  A couple of months before that, I became a CPS.  Now, I am working, writing, and building my own natural community of family and friends.  I attend church and am active in various capacities in the community at large.  So I would say to you, dear reader, recovery is possible; it just takes an awareness of where you are at, where you want to go, and how to get there.  Have courage!  It gets better!

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

Cycles and Webs of Love

I would like to share a revelation of sorts…  Our sins and imperfections are given to us by God.  They are the reason God loves us so much.  They are the reason He reveres humanity and everything else in existence.  He created reality and set it on the course that it is on.  He intended us to fall.  The inherent redemption in the Fall brings Him glory that, without the Fall, He would not gain.  There is a reason and will behind everything that the Father does.  In this vein, I believe that the fall, sins, and imperfection itself allows for room, between His reality and ours, for His love to flourish.  That is the reason behind the Fall and the reason for the distance that it created between Creator and creation – it allows for God’s abundant and conquering love to be made manifest and useful.  Further, when God forgives us, imperfect creatures, out of His never-ending, bottomless love, we are then naturally inclined to return that love to God because of His abounding mercy.  That completes the cycle and web of love between Creator and creation.  Our sins and imperfections are not the evil in the world.  The evil in the world is the misunderstanding and misrepresentation of the purpose of our sins and imperfections which can result in undue and unnecessary guilt.  That illusion of guilt, although it was an illusion, God saw fit to even abolish on the cross; and, looking at the cross, we should accept that guilt has been abolished and love reigns…  God’s mercy rings true…!

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott, whose writings seen here you may like, and, if you do, you can find more of at jasontapscott.com and amazon.com.

God’s Will

God is Love.  Love trumps all.  God trumps all.  God allows all.  Love and God are the same and they are all-encompassing.  That is why it is said that God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient.  That also is why there is evil and suffering, because Love (God) by its very definition allows it as an expression of deep love and understanding.  God takes garbage and turns it into compost for flowers, thereby gaining glory for Himself, which is what He is all about.  In other words, to take challenges and make them opportunities for His children to grow makes Him the happiest of all.  That is what it means when we say that our weaknesses bring God glory.  This may seem like a contradiction but I assure you that it is not.  Because God, as Love, allows evil because of His own eternal beneficence and benevolence, He is seen as characteristically patient, and He is.  This is true but do not fret or become overcome or upset because there will come a time (in the not-so-distant future) at God’s appointment, and allotment, when God will make all things right.  That process is happening right now and will always continue eternally because that is the nature of God; however, as finite beings blinded by our own physical needs, we may not see that as truth.  Whatever you feel or believe, justice (your personal justice as God is a personal God) will be served so do not be discouraged, my friends in Christ.  Be patient while you wait; be loving while you are hated; be allowing of evil and turn the other cheek, praying for your wayward brothers and sisters.  God will set all to His own brand of righteousness, which will serve all.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

P.S.  If you like my writing like the passage above, then you will love my books at jasontapscott.com and Amazon.com.  Please check them out; you will not be disappointed.  The second installment in the series that I am working on should be available within the next month.  Thanks for your support!

This post is something I wrote while in prison.  I found it recently and thought that I would put it out there.

 

I sit in the sun; sweltering heat is not uninvited.  One thing that I have learned while here in my time in prison is how to make do and just be.  Thus, here I sit in a strange spectator state, relaxing the edges of my consciousness so as to extend the same’s roots.

 

They play handball.  One is without a shirt; the other is a homosexual.  The homosexual is effeminate only in voice and somewhat in facial expression.  I have a feeling that he does not receive… if you know what I mean.  Perhaps that is an observation; perhaps it is a judgment.  Who is to say?

 

Enlightenment is something no one can truly attain in this lifetime.  If they did, they would cease to be.  Nirvana means extinction.  Is that what happened to Buddha when he reached it?  Did he reach it?

 

The ball from the handball game just bounced into my lap.  Did it do that to enlighten my awareness, bring glory to God through my cordial reaction to those concerned?

 

I recognize several people who have left and come back since I have been locked up.  Does this place have a reach into the community, grasping people and bringing them back after they leave?  I would guess so, but we are all on paths towards a higher truth, evolving as we go, each stop on our journey just as important as our last, perhaps more so.  This is a principle in my religious soul philosophy:  Whatever happens, happens for a reason.  We all get what we need.  It is just that we don’t know what is best in the grand scheme of the universe – for us and for everybody else…

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

P.S.  If you like my writing or my philosophical style, you can find more of it at jasontapscott.com or by searching for Jason Tapscott on Amazon.com.  I have almost completed the much anticipated sequel to my first novella.  Check it out!  It is only 99 cents to download!

The Elephant

Closed-ended questions kill

Open-ended questions heal

Your life can be saved if you

believe it eternal

That belief, though, is, no doubt, somewhat banal

In fact, it is self-serving and fatal

So, pursue perfection anyway

but realize that you are

doing away with the very self.

 

Ego transcendence leads to a person

achieving acceptance of their

personal dents.

 

That battle can trip up the best

proselytizer

because it puts pressure on

their own inner life…

Instead

 

Of others you might say screw them

unless it leads to personal

benefit…

 

But remember – you in the room are

the ultimate elephant.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

 

P.S. if you like my posts you will love my book which you can buy on amazon or my website jasontapscott.com.  Check it out!  The sequel is coming soon!

Ego Tripping and Livability

Suffering comes from rules and restrictions on the civilizing mind.  Often, we mistakenly blame suffering on the state of the world around us or other unfortunate, difficult people; however, the reality is that we are nearly in complete control of whether we suffer or not, or what shape our suffering takes.  Other people technically, logically are incapable of actually hurting us.  We hold the key to our own suffering or whether people can touch us in a painful way.  Likewise, we decide whether people around us can make us happy or not.  There is a space of some size between someone’s hurtful or pleasing action and the pain or pleasure that we decide has happened to us.  We need to harness that space and live therein without becoming emotionally catatonic.  Perhaps that is why we don’t harness it – out of fear of becoming less than human; human being equated with emotion and the use thereof to make sense of the people around us.  Anyway, try to awaken to reality as it is rather than joyful or painful, which are attributions we make with our consciousnesses and minds.  Actually, really that possibility is mostly beyond us, but we must make a conscious and conscientious effort to that end.  Reality perceived is our reaction to that reality.  It is impossible to touch reality beyond ourselves.  Everything gets filtered through the self and its tendrils.  In fact, that is how the mind works; our emotional reality, our pain or our joy, is incumbent upon how we view that reality and how it affects our perception of our very survival.  Thus, to get back to my original point, rules and restrictions and how we perceive them in relation to our freedom to feel is why we perceive that we suffer; however, it is not the suffering itself, which continues to be completely malleable if we get out of our own ego tripping way.  Freedom allows and leads to happiness (apart from the pleasure I mentioned earlier because true happiness is internal and integral and cannot be moved against) and it also leads to self-control which hinders the negative (or positive) effect that stress has on us.  So when our freedom and self-control are inhibited, we feel threatened.  It feels so real like our survival itself is threatened.  Thus, society and other people and their demands inherently threaten us and what the ego perceives socially as survival.  Life and happiness in life makes the little, unavoidable, natural sufferings of life more bearable.  If our happiness is threatened, then life’s livability is threatened and so the ego takes that as a death threat because if life is not worth living, then why live it.  That is the ego’s logic.  We cannot change society except by changing our reactions to each other.  We must take responsibility for our own lives and their sustained livability.  To do that, we must harness an emotional decision-making process in the space before we decide what our reality is.  That, my friends, is God-given power to make reality whatever we want, heaven or hell.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

P.S.  If you like this type of writing, and I know you do, check out some of my fiction at jasontapscott.com or search amazon for Jason Tapscott.  You will not be disappointed.

 

 

Survival of the Species

If you are a thirsty white man in the desert and you are obviously dying of that thirst and a black man comes to you with good, cool, clean, fresh water cupped in his black palms, you cannot tell me that you won’t drink because of the “contaminated” color of his skin.  That is a ridiculous claim.  The meaning behind the fact that you would most definitely drink deeply from his “unclean” hands is obvious – society needs to get real and change its ways.  Survival of the human race depends on acceptance of our natural differences and cooperation no matter what you look like, what the color of your skin is, or what you believe.  Survival of the species needs to come first.  Humanity is not a set color of skin and the diversity inherent in humanity is a good thing and allows for more creative solutions to potential shared problems.  We divide ourselves for tribal survival reasons due to our inflated egos and our fear of the “other”.  That needs to change.  Survival like the example in the desert that I gave at the start of this post – that kind of derived wisdom, I hope, can rise to the top and rise to the challenge and create a very real place in the mindset of mankind of acceptance.  Hopefully, it can change the way we look at each other’s differences and creates new relationships despite them.  Intergroup relationships have been proven to improve with exposure to other cultures.  In those situations, we tend to find shared humanity and can even call our neighbor, who undoubtedly is different, our brother because he is vital to our shared survival as a human race.

 

~jimbolawrence aka Jason W. Tapscott

 

P.S. Buy my book on jasontapscott.com or amazon.com.  It is a series of novellas that happens to be a crime drama.  It was created based on my personal time spent in mental hospitals and prisons.  Please support me and validate my education of my past.  You will learn something too or at least be entertained.  Thanks!